How Low Self-Worth Affects Anxiety, Anger and Relationships

If you’ve seen me as a client, or know me personally, you might be sick of hearing me talk about self-worth. But I’m going to keep talking about it because it’s one of the most important parts of living a happy life.

A lot of people can say, “I know I’m enough.” But self-worth sits below our conscious awareness.

You can know you’re a good person and still live as though you have to prove it.

Self-worth is knowing you are valuable simply because you exist.

It doesn’t depend on your job, income, appearance, weight, grades, accomplishments, relationships or what other people think of you.

Yet, these are often the exact things we use to measure it.

Where Does It Start?

Most people struggle with self-worth in some way. It doesn’t matter how old you are, your gender or how successful you are.

I see it every day in my office.

When I ask a client’s brain to identify where we need to start (which is part of how ART works), it almost always connects back to a negative core belief about not being good enough, important enough or worthy enough.

That belief might sound like:

• I’m not enough.

• I don’t matter.

• I’m a failure.

• My needs aren’t important.

• I’m not smart enough.

These beliefs often start in childhood, and usually nobody creates them intentionally. They can develop through things a child hears repeatedly:

“Why are you crying? It’s not that big of a deal.”
My feelings don’t matter.

“You got 90 percent? What happened to the other 10?”
What I do is never good enough.

“Your brother never gives us this much trouble.”
I’m difficult. I’m the problem.

“You’re the smart one. I know you’ll get an A.”
I have to do well or I’ll disappoint people.

“If you had tried harder, you would have done better.”
My best isn’t good enough.

But sometimes there isn’t one specific comment. A child may only receive attention when they’re doing well, feel responsible for keeping a parent calm, or learn that it’s safer to stay quiet and not need too much.

One comment or experience may not have a lasting impact. But when a child receives similar messages over and over, whether its at home, at school or in sports, their brain can start connecting mistakes, criticism or disappointing someone with not being enough.

This isn’t about blaming parents. Most parents are doing the best they can while carrying their own experiences and triggers.

Trust me, even as a therapist, I say things to my son that probably make him feel this way too. It’s never my intention but it happens. Parenting is hard and we are always learning.

What Does Low Self-Worth Look Like?

Struggles with self-worth aren’t always obvious. They can look like:

• Anxiety and overthinking

• Perfectionism

• Overworking or overachieving

• People-pleasing

• Intense anger or defensiveness

• Trying to control everything

• Taking things personally

• Excessive guilt or shame

• Needing reassurance

• Struggling to rest or say no

• Having reactions that feel much bigger than the moment

The behaviors may look different, but the belief underneath them is often the same.

How It Shows Up in Everyday Life

In your relationship…

Let’s say your partner says, “I felt like you weren’t listening to me earlier.”

Instead of hearing that they want more connection and to feel heard, you immediately defend yourself or point out what they do wrong.

Underneath that reaction may be: “I’t’s never enough.”

Self-worth can have a HUGE impact on relationships, which is one reason I love working with each partner individually before they move into couples work.

At work…

Let’s say your boss comes to you and says, “Hey, can you make a few changes to job?”

Instead of hearing feedback or an opportunity for growth, you spend the rest of the day replaying the conversation and worrying that they think you’re incompetent.

Underneath that reaction may be: “They don’t think I’m capable.”

Self-worth struggles at work can lead to burnout, unmanageable stress, family issues, and little to no work-life balance.

With friends…

Let’s say a friend cancels plans. You tell them it’s no problem, but immediately start wondering whether you did something wrong.

Instead of hearing that something personal may have come up, you assume their cancellation must be about you.

Underneath that reaction may be: “I’m not important to them.”

Self-worth struggles in friendships can lead to overthinking, people-pleasing, and constantly questioning where you stand with others.

As a parent…

Let’s say your child has a meltdown in public, and you feel a rush of embarrassment and anger that seems much bigger than the moment.

Instead of recognizing that this is difficult, but also age-appropriate and a normal part of parenting, you assume everyone is judging you.

Underneath that reaction may be: “I’m a bad parent if my child acts this way.”

Self-worth struggles in parenting can make normal challenges feel like proof that you’re doing everything wrong.

Of course, these struggles can be much more complex. But self-worth is often a big part of what is happening underneath our reactions and an important part of what needs to be addressed.

What I See Change

When clients work through their struggles with self-worth and start to feel, not just say, that they are enough, the change can be incredible.

I see less defensiveness and anger, more calm in relationships, fewer arguments, and less anxiety and overthinking.

People become better able to receive feedback, let small things go, set boundaries and allow others to have their own feelings without automatically taking responsibility for them.

I also see people become happier. Not because everything in their life is suddenly perfect, but because they’re no longer spending so much energy trying to earn, prove or protect their worth.

Knowing you’re enough doesn’t mean you stop growing or taking responsibility. It means you can say:

“I handled that poorly, but that doesn’t make me a bad person.”

“I made a mistake. I can fix it and learn from it.”

“I need to work on this, but I’m still worthy while I do.”

Imagine making a mistake without believing you’re a failure. Receiving feedback without falling apart. Saying no without feeling guilty. Letting someone else be in a bad mood without assuming it’s about you.

With ART, we help your brain recognize that your worth was never something you had to earn in the first place.

Life becomes a lot less stressful when your worth is no longer constantly up for debate.